but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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