i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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