david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
