Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
You pole danced in your parka.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
