My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
