Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
