remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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