Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Randomize
