new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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