...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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