god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
