this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
