I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
