Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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