Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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