I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I'm really busy with my period
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