Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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