my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
So gin and wine won't be happening again
He passed out mid-signature
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
