Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Randomize
