Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
