i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
My bed smells like the plague
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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