I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
