Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
