i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
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