Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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