You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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