I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
