It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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