Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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