I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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