So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
