Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
