1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
