Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
