HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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