i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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