Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Randomize
