Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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