you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
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