At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
