I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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