Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
