Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
