judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
