I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
