Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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