go do what you do best...puke behind churches
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Randomize
