My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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