I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize