I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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