I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize