I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
they need to just BURY HIM!
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
