I can tuck mytits in my pants
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
