she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize