Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Randomize