I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Randomize
