Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Randomize
