Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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