In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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