No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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