cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
