The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
what day is it and did you see me today?
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Randomize
